Tags
death, depression, love, music, Poem, Poetry, redemption, shepard tones, sound, suicide
I can see you going down to death
with all the hope of losing love’s last breath
that parts the meaning to a muddled soul
where pain and blood are cut from severed whole.
If you wish to pierce the ending wound,
Do it quickly. See yourself marooned
as light from life departs unholy crown,
you’ll find that Death will meet you halfway down.
Should you see a way to joyous light,
I’d hope you’ll spread those wings in soaring flight.
As womb through pain gives might to newborn life,
the tomb last gains the weakened man from strife.
The troubled days must break the toughest soil -
Redeem your depths with love’s bejewelled toil.
(note: There was a musical effect I was attempting to affect here. To sample it better, I’d suggest vocalizing either stanza repeatedly (the effect in one is the opposite of the other). After trying to hear it (or if you want to cheat), I was attempting to use the vowel sounds to achieve this effect. Please comment on how this worked with your reading of the poem)
(note #2: posted for Open Link Night at DversePoets)
I didn’t try that but these are beautiful words…
Hey have you ever thought of including an audio version with your poems in your own voice?
I have, but I’m not sure if I have the greatest voice. Though I might, for you..
I think the best messenger is the one who was inspired!
Reblogged this on yasniger and commented:
BEAUTIFUL WORDS
nice….the end rhymes make for a nice rhythm…i lose it a bit in the second stanza starting in the second line as it feels a word long…death will meet you halfway down is a great line…and one i think would make a great refrain line…the shepard tone sounds like a long fall down the well….ha…found the sound clip on the wiki…
I agree with Brian, “death will meet you halfway down” was my favorite line also.
I did pick up on the musicality of this well-crafted poem. Beautiful.
As for Mr. Shepard’s scale (a fun education), perhaps reading your poem while listening to Bach’s “The Musical Offering” would help catch the auditory equivalent of the Penrose stairs optical illusion. So I supply the link for those interested. Bach piece to me has the moroseness of your verses — with a tinge of hope: as a relationship crashes but potential for fruitful flight remains for both.
I enjoyed your choice of vocabulary, you weren’t tempted into as much archaic stuff as you often indulge and thus I got lots more! It was kind to the buffoon I am.
Buffoons aren’t as witty.
I arranged the vowel sounds into a scale from light (high) to dark (low) , then in the first eight lines I tried writing with the vowel sounds in descending order, and ascending in the second stanza…make any sense?
Oh, I see it now! Wonderful.
maybe not super obvious, but I believe it has the desired effect. Do you?
Spoken with a gentle voice yet powerful as a prayer. Your internal rhyme, rhythm and message strike the notes of truth with dark beauty over a sorrowful tone.
you may be interested in my reply to Sabio above. Thanks for the great comment , Beth!
Just simply loved this.